Chapter 10-- Love became Lust

     All the memories I had with Jeni were colorful dreams. Then the colors faded away and they became colorless dreams. All the time, whenever I had a thought of Jeni tears would be the end. But, from that day I started to hate for being in relationship with her.

     My mind set to a fixed statement, ‘I haven’t done anything wrong to her. She left me as I was not fit for her’. I liked Susan more at that time. Being a friend of Jeni, Susan supported me at that time.

     That night I sat at the corner of the room took the pieces of paper that Jeni gave to me. I heaped the pieces and took a match box and lit the pieces. My eyes fixed to those papers for a moment. I burnt them so that I could never get a single memory back of Jeni. I went to bed, laid down but had a memory of Jeni shouting at me arrogantly. It disturbed my sleep.

     I then sat over my bed all night without a sleep after 1’o clock. Later I slept unknowingly I hadn’t noticed the time I slept. The next morning I woke early too. I didn’t felt tired that day. I got myself ready and took my way to school.

     Madhu and Susan were standing at school gate and they were discussing something. I just joined them, they were expecting a sad Nithish at that place. I gave a disappointment for them.

     Susan asked, “So no issues right?”

     “Issues on what?” I questioned back.

     “Susan meant on the relationship you had with Jeni”, Madhu elaborated the thing I already knew.

     “It’s just a past memory, she deserves better”, I said and added a question, “Was she in relationship with that guy Aldrin?”

     “Hope he wasn’t” Madhu made an expression of puking.

     “Idiots he is cousin to her”, Susan said and turned to Madhu and continued, “Do you remember me telling that I had a crush on someone before you?”

     “Yeah”, Madhu said.

     “It was him”, Susan ended shortly.

     “What? That Black hound?” Madhu opened his mouth with shock.

     “He is not a hound, he is panther”, Susan said by closing his open mouth.

     “Is that him, Sue it’s unfair”, Madhu said.

     “I could say the current relationship as unfair”, I added. Both stared at me a moment and Susan added, “I think Nithu has a valid point”.

     “What?” Madhu screamed at us and added, “I have Pavithra she still has crush on me”.

     “Get lost, I will be free”, Susan said with a smirk.

     Madhu pulled her by catching her hair and said, “You deserve that black hound”. He said and walked to his class.

     Susan and myself walked slowly behind him. I asked Susan, “Why you guys are fighting now?”

     “What? Do you think it is a fight?” she asked me and she answered for that, “Certainly not, just watch us now”.

     Susan hurried her steps faster and walked towards Madhu. When she neared him, she slowed down and dashed slowly over him and made fast climb over the steps.

     Madhu tried to chase her but he was slowed down by the kids crossed by. I laughed on seeing them from a distance and walked slowly to my class. I saw Madhu sitting over my place and chatting with Susan.

     I sat on the desk by placing my bag aside. A sound, came from last bench, “Madhu is someone begged you to accompany for collecting the paper wastes”. It was Kathir.

     Madhu looked at me, I smiled at Madhu and asked him to maintain patience. I climbed over the dias of the classroom. I shouted, “Friends, I need a small attention please”. Everyone in the class looked at me and expected what to speak. Except Kathir friends. Without a thought I threw a chalk stick over Kathir. He got anger and tried to beat me. his friends made him to calm.

     I started, “I think some of you guys might have known that I was in a relationship for a very short period of time. By the way, I am not here to praise the love I had. I am here just to say that I hate for being in the relationship. I request someone not to recollect the waste by themselves”.

     Sunil asked, “So you are saying this to Kathir, is it?”

     “It may be, as he is the one who started”, I said.

     “He started what?” a girl asked with eagerness.

     I laughed loudly along with a clap and said, “So you guys don’t know what he did”. I heard whispering sounds all over the class.

     I looked at Madhu he gave a sign of not to speak by moving his head horizontally. Then I looked at Susan she moved her head vertically with a sign of yes. I had a

     I said, “Whatever you guys are whispering are right”. I could not hear what the whispers were but those must be bad about Kathir thats what I knew at that time.

     Pavithra stood and spoke, “I saw him keeping the couple globe on the table. He plotted Jeni and Nithish in it. Such an idiot he is”. The whole class other than Kathir’s friends shouted.

     I smiled on hearing that, if I have told something I might have told only a part of truth. When we leave an information to the crowd they are the expert in developing the rumors.

     Suddenly a boy shouted, “Keep your voice low Pavi otherwise Kathir will write a globe for you”. The whole class laughed.

     The class started to create stories with Kathir. At that moment I was very happy, as everyone was ditching Kathir. His presence in the class room was seen like a ditch rolled pig walking over a well washed white blanket.

     I was happy on seeing him getting ashamed, at that moment something inside me insisted it was not good. Getting offended with Kathir is no more reason. He offended me as he had a crush over Jeni. Now Jeni is not a reason for me to fight up.

     I shouted, “Pavithra stop spreading rumors. Kathir was not that kind of guy. I am the one to buy that globe for Jeni and Kathir had no intention in making a wrong move. I was not courage enough to show it up to Jeni. Kathir helped me out”.

     I saw the confused face on Susan and Madhu as I have never supported Kathir for anytime. Then I continued, “By the way, he is rude but he is good. I am here just to say that I have ended my relationship and I request everyone to leave the past”.

     I climbed down the dias and walked straight to Kathir. His eyes were fixed to me when I walked towards him. I extended my hand for a shake and asked, “Friends?”

     “What are you trying to make up?” Kathir asked me.

     “I am trying to end up the past and create something beautiful from now”, I said.

     “Okay, Let’s be friends”, he smiled and added, “I am sorry”

     “For?”

     “Everything I messed up in your life”, he said in a low tone. “No issues, help me finding a new partner”, I said with a wink. He smiled. I had a peace at that moment on making a friendship rather than taking a fight with him.

     I went to my place, Madhu asked, “You lost your brain?”

     Susan added after Madhu, “Madhu he never had such thing. He is nothing but a dump”.

     I said, “Just leave it”. Both of my friends are not satisfied with what I did at that moment. But I found a perfect peace of mind on making a friendship with a foe before.

     Later Madhu went to his class, the classes were started. Susan asked, “Do you really have any idea what you are doing?”

     “Shu, listen the class, the topic was interesting”, I stopped her talking. But Susan didn’t, she added, “But I got a very intresting topic than this”.

     “I bet your topic will be boring”, I said and tried to end.

     Our husking voices reached our teacher’s ears. She pointed at me with a pen and said, “Out”. I pointed over Susan and asked, “What about her mam?”

     Teacher’s eyes rolled towards Susan and she again repeated, “Out”. I giggled inside me and walked out of the class. Susan leant over the door and was looking inside the class. I stood away such that no one inside the class could see me.

     Susan stood for a moment and then took two steps and stood next to me. She asked, “What about Jeni?”

     “Why are you asking about her?” I asked.

     “She loved you too”, Susan said.

     “Loved but not loving”, I said.

     “So you forgot her?”

     “I am trying to”

     “How could you do it?” Susan asked with an excitement.

     “When I think of holding the people I have, I could choose loosing the one who doesn’t want me”, I said.

     “Wow, Nithish you are speaking good. I never saw you speaking like this before”.

     “I am getting changed”, I said with a laugh.

     The day ended and I went home, I showed myself as a boy filled with happiness but inside me I missed Jeni a lot. A question arose inside me what if Jeni came back to me. There was another re-question for it, ‘Will she come again?’

     She thinks I was bad for her then there was no purpose in talking with her again or seeing her anymore. With these mind set I survived for many days. The one thing I could not forget is the first kiss. While watching the movies or any romantic stuff. The love between me and Jeni came in my mind.

     My heart wanted Jeni at that time. Sometimes some memories will make us smile later the same memory will hurt me. It was in my life at that time feeling the hate and the love altogether. I am out of mind completely.

     Whenever Susan and Madhu talks about their lovely moments, I feel myself as an empty bag, which dropped the most beautiful flower in it. Should I pick it? A question raised in my mind. I replied myself, “No, the dropped flower was dirty, pluck new flowers”.

     In few days I regained my confidence and went to my school. All girls in my school looked differently at that time. Have I missed these beauties all these days? I asked myself for being a dumb.

     A girl passed by waved a hand to me. If I was the old Nithish, I must have searched for someone behind me. But, that day I waved back and asked, “Hey what’s your name, I haven’t seen you before”.

     “Nithish, I am Anusuya from Computer Science class”, she said.

     “Madhu’s class right?” I asked.

     She nodded and asked “Can you say where Madhu is?”

     “King will always be next to queen”, I said.

     “So you are bishop uh?”

     “May be”

     “Once, (A pause) you were a king too right?” she asked with hesitation.

     “I am still a prince”, I replied with smile and added, “I could take you to Madhu if you come along”.

     She followed me along my way to the class. I found Madhu and Susan were sitting and having their conversation as usual. They waved on seeing me. I told him that he got Anusuya’s call to discuss something. Madhu went out and was talking with her.

     “Idiot she came again”, Susan murmured to me. I sat on the bench and asked her,      “What was your problem Sue?”

     “You won’t understand she is always coming around Madhu”, she said.

     “How you say that?”

     “She will be nagging him for everything. Thank god she haven’t asked a doubt why birds are flying. I think she will ask them too”

     I laughed. “Susan chill, don’t be more possessive”.

     “Actually you think I was over reacting, Certainly not. Look he talked with Jeni, Pavi and others too. I never had irritation on them because they are talking. But this idiot is nagging”, Susan said with an anger tone.

     “Leave it Sue, keep smiling”, I said.

     “You will understand when you were in realationship”

     I calmed a moment, thoughts of Jeni came in. Susan understood the next moment I was calm. “Nithish look here”, she said.

     “I am hearing, just say”, I said by looking at the same direction I looked before.

     “Did you know what Madhu said me yesterday?” she said with a bright face for deviating my mind.

     I should not disappoint her cheating mind so I smiled and said, “Just keep it I have something to say with you”

     “Then go ahead”, She said.

     “Actually, I am not worried being in relationship with Jeni and one more thing I wish to be in another relationship”, I said.

     “Wow”, she said and hurried to Madhu to say that. At that time, I turned around, Josphine caught in my eyes. The words she said revolved inside me, “I like you”.

     I decided to talk with her at that moment. She looked pretty for my eyes. She was little fat but it seemed to be normal. The skin tone looked like a biscuit, a little dusky it seems. Her nose was broader at the end which was well fitted to show her swelled upper cheeks while smiling. Head was fitted with a short neck.

     However she looked the only thing that stroke into my mind was that she told that she liked me. No other words could stand before it. At that afternoon before going to lunch. I took a conversation with Josphine besides the blackboard while most of the students were out for the lunch.

     We both were standing opposite to each other and standing at the same posture by leaning one side over the board.

     “Your hands are getting dirt”, I said.

     “Yours too”, she said and added, “Why you are holding me here”. By saying she changed the gesture and I too by tapping the chalk dirt on my hands.

     “I am not holding but wish to”, I said by looking downwards with a very low voice that she could never hear.

     “Louder please”, she said in a little cute voice by bending a little as I was looking downwards.

     “Actually, you told that you got something to say on that day can you say that?” I asked.

     “Nithish, I am in a great hunger. My mind won’t work when my stomach was empty”, she said.

     “Oh god, I am also the same, why can’t we talk after school”, I asked.

     “Cool, I got 10 minutes after school we can have a talk”, she said and walked.

     On her way, I stopped her by saying, “I got something to say too, just keep it personal”. She nodded and walked away.

     I was very happy at that moment, as I was going to propose for the first time. The only confidence I had was she too liked me. I kept it secret from Susan and Madhu as it will be surprise for them.

     I kept calm for the all day, how to propose was the question went inside my mind completely. The school ended up, everyone are packing up their bags to leave. Susan called me too, I told that I got a little work to be done for that day assigned by a teacher.

     She nodded and went away to meet Madhu. I sat on my place until Josphine came up. I saw Josphine finished packing her bag. I went near her desk and asked could I sit there. She pleased me to have my seat next to her.

     “Yes Nithish”, she started.

     “Actually, you told that you had something to say that day”, I said gently.

     “Let it go you say what you want to say”, she went up with my words first.

     “Actually, Josphine”, I started.

     “Actually, actually, what happened actually just say it”

     “I was in love with Jeni and now I am not, did you know it?”

     “Yeah the whole class knows it”

     “Now I wish to start a new relationship”, I said with a voice that reduces in volume from the start to end and added, “So”

     “You want me a relationship with me right?” she said it like a cut of the sentence.

     She understood what I was about to say, she was incredible. She smiled at me and said, “You miss Jeni right?”

     If I told yes she might think I was still in thoughts of her, so I said, “I am trying to start new with you, all I need is a word from you”.

     She laughed, “No one proposed me before. It was my first time to sit with a boy and talk with him like this”.

     I smiled. She said, “I don’t know what to say at this moment” and added, “I don’t know much about you too”.

     “Josphine you are the one who told me that you liked me”, I added a line for her confusion.

     “Yeah I said, because I like in other way”

     “But that day, you were saying that about love that day”, I said.

     “Nithish I don’t know how to explain it to you”

     She said and she seemed to confused, I could see that she was hesitating to say yes. I never knew what my mind was at that time. I wish to start a beautiful relationship with Josphine with a kiss. While, my relationship with Jeni ended for a kiss.

     In some movies, I watched while hero kissed the heroine her doubts will be cleared and she will be into relationship. I thought it will help me in my life too. I tried to kiss her on the cheek.

     She moved away and had a freaking face, “What the hell you are doing?”

     I later realized, I was into a wrong decision. “I am sorry, sorry”. I blabbered repeatedly.

     “Look Nithish, I know you are in a bad situatuion”, she said and stood up. She continued, “By the way do you know why I spoke with you on that day”. I showed a sign of no by moving my head horizontally.

     “Your friends asked me to speak those. They told that you were in a worse situation and asked me to help out. I initially said no but later they told he will never love back you as he was into Jeni deeply. Id the exact line they asked me to tell you”.

     I said in a low voice, “Is that Madhu and Susan?”

     “Who else could ask such things for you idiot”, she shouted at me. A few students in the class looked at us.

     “I am sorry, I am sorry”, I begged for my false actions. She said, “It’s okay, the mistake was on me too. I must not have accepted that when your friends asked me to do it”.

     I didn’t know what to respond to that, I felt guilty for Josphine at that time. She said, “I am sorry, I must not have told you in that way on that day”.

     I felt sorry for behaving in such a way, “Josphine, friends?”

     She smiled and said okay. She also insisted that she has crush on someone and she asked me sorry if she planted any wrong thoughts in me. I conveyed there was nothing to worry.

     At last she said, “You must wait until the next girls comes for you, you are a good boy every girl will like you”, and also added, “Feel free to talk with me always as a friend”.

     I nodded and she went away. I walked down and searched for Susan and Madhu who had done every unwanted things to me for their entertainment.

     I saw both of them are standing at the cycle stand waiting for me to join them. I got an anger that I never had on Jeni too. These people stayed with me and they are treating me as a play doll.

     As I walked near them, Susan extended her hand to me and she was laughing. I neared them, Madhu asked, “Are you done with that teacher?”

     “Yeah”, I said in low voice. Susan patted Madhu at back to keep him silent. I took my bicycle and climbed over it. Susan struck a stick inside the wheel bars. Then, I got a chance to start a fight with them.

     I just pushed Susan and she got slipped. Madhu helped her get steady. “ARE YOU MAD?” Madhu shouted at me.

     “Yeah I am”, I shouted back.

     “Nithish calm down, everyone are watching”, Susan said in a low voice.

     “Nice Susan, Very nice. You want me to keep quiet while your most beloved romeo can keep on yelling at me, is it?” I said and walked closer to her with anger.

     She pushed me with little force and made me to step back. “Why are you behaving like this?” Madhu asked.

     “So you want me to get ashamed all time and you guys will be enjoying it right?” I asked.

     “Susan I could not understand what he was trying to me”, Madhu said in a low voice and I couldn’t hear it.

     Susan said, “Me too”

     I heard the words Susan pronounced, I added, “You guys keep on saying the same dialouge I love you, me too, I love you me too”, I tried with a rhym.

     “Shut up idiot”, Susan said and asked, “What’s your problem now?”

     “You both are my problem”, I ended.

     Susan just pushed me and walked away. Madhu tried to convince her so he walked behind her.

     I got a relief feel at that moment for yelling at them. I climbed over my cycle and took some pedals, Madhu stopped me on the way.

     “Give my way”, I said.

     “We need to talk, what was your problem”, he asked.

     “You can’t you join her”, I asked.

     “I am your friend, I can’t leave you at this moment”, he said.

     “Do you know the meaning of it?”

     “I am trying to learn”

     We parked our cycle under a tree and sat under it. Madhu sat right to me with his bag over his lap. I just sat there with anger. I didn’t know why I sat even at anger.

     “Just say, what happened”, he asked.

     “I tried to start a new relationship”

     “Nice what’s issue on it?”

     “Can I say a small story?” I asked him.

     “You are bad at telling stories just come to the point”, he killed my sweet lovely love story at that moment. But I could accept his words too.

     “I proposed Josphine”, I said.

     “What!” he yelled with a quaking voice and continued, “What she said”.

     “She said okay”, I said.

     “Anything more than that?” he asked.

     “Why you are asking that?” I requestioned him.

     “So she told you”, he said with a laugh.

     “I was almost dead today”, I said with punch at his hip. He rubbed his hip and asked me, “Just leave it”

     “Why you both asked her to speak with me like that on that day?” I asked.

     “Actually Nithu it was Susan’s idea. She cares you a lot as I do. When you was without Jeni you felt worried. So, she told me that it would help him to get deviate if he knows there are other people to love him. You know why she asked Josphine. Because according to you Josphine is the girl who hates you. Susan thought that if you thought the hated girl loves you, you could come out of break up”

     “Did Josphine accepted all for me?” I asked.

     “Don’t be an asshole, initially Sue begged for you then Josphine said that she has crush on Sam in my class, and asked me to give an intro to him”.

     I was fed up totally. “Where is Susan?” I asked.

     “You know one thing”, he said and added, “she is the one who asked me to help you. She had a trust on you and she told that you must be having misunderstanding with us”

     “I am really sorry Madhu”, I said.

     “Susan too wait for you”, he said and pointed to a tree below where Susan stood and eagerly looking at us. She cared me all time and I always misunderstood her. It was a little distance between me and Susan. I took my cycle and pedaled to Susan faster.

     I just left the cycle over the road and ran to her and hugged her and burst into tears. Susan knew nothing about my anger. She said, “Nithish you went through something that was hard for you. You must hold your smile always”.

     I nodded. Madhu followed my way with normal speed. He later explained everything to Susan. Later we all laughed together on thinking of my stupidity.

     At that moment, Susan claimed a thing, “Guys all three gonna promise now”.

     “I have already made plenty of promises for you baby”, Madhu said.

     “Idiot just do what I say”, Susan kicked his he nodded at next moment.

     “We three will be united for all time at any circumstances, PROMISE ME”, she said. I was happy as I got best guys as my friends. All three promised and we had some chats and we went on our way.

     That day I realized something, When a person was searching love he will end up in lust. Love is something not an essential one. I was the one who never had any idea to enter a relationship but had some moments with Jeni. On her loss I tried to find a balance, later I realized it was not myself at that point.

     Then I made my mind, being in relationship is not a need. Showing love to everyone is the thing one should do.