Chapter 9-Who Is Guilty?

Chapter 9

Who Is Guilty?

     Days passed, it was really hard for me to smile in front of others. But, I forced a fake smile with friends and family. The absence of Jeni hadn’t made much impact on anyone in the class even for Susan and Madhu as they were fully engaged with their romance.

       Susan and Madhu will always ask me to move on. Some times, tears dripped without my acknowledgment. Days were passing with the piece of paper she gave. It was the only thing lasts with me that Jeni gave me.

      Whenever I miss her, I read the paper she gave me. After reading, my minutes with her comes inside my head and tears will overwhelm from the edge of the eyes. While reading the last line at which she said that to keep her smile I need to smile. On reading that line, the tear slips followed by my smile. I smiled imagining her smiling.

      Every time I read it, I take some moments of breathe to get back myself. I used to keep that paper along my shirt pocket such that the paper will be near my heart always. I had some childish actions on those days. Whenever I read it, I felt like reading it for the first time. I was totally attached to that paper.

      I liked the way she said good bye but I trusted it was not the permanent good bye at that time. Susan became my bench mate in later days. She won’t let me to sit idle and think about anything. She kept me engaged by speaking something weird even she didn’t get any topic to discuss, she will ask me to tell about Madhu in early days.

      While we were talking she asked me, “How about Josphine?” I replied with a question, “What?”

      “Just try her, I think she is interested in you”, Susan said. I just turned to other direction and said, “She is not Jeni”.

      Susan raised her voice, “Do you still think about her?”

      I nodded.

      “Nithish look at me”, she told. I turned, she continued, “She was gone”

      “So?”

      “Nithish you must must understand whats happening around you”, she said with consoling tune. I hate hearing it. I used to hear what ever she says but at that moment I hate hearing her words.

      “You must move on”, she said. I turned to the other direction again. Susan asked me to turn but I didn’t. She pulled me to turn by grabbing my sleeve.

      The paper in the shirt pocket emerged a little. I hadn’t noticed it, but she did. Without asking anything she just fetched it from my pocket. I tried to stop her. She was faster than me.

      She opened it and found it was the paper gave by Jeni. “What is this?” she asked.

      “It is a memory”, I said.

      She held it inside her fingers and she was talking something but I heard nothing as my eyes are fixed to the paper in her hand. She spotted my eyes and she hid her hand behind her. She ordered me with care, “You need to forget Jeni”.

      It was my time to ask her something, “Can I ask you something?”

      She said, “Yes, you can my dear”, with a smile.

      I never saw that smile, I asked the question directly, “If it was you and Madhu separated on that day, will you forget Madhu?”

      She stood speechless, and she moved her lips but no words came from it. I stressed, “Tell me”.

      “I, I,”, words stumbled and she said, “I will”. I knew she was lying. Her answer insulted me as I expected ‘NO’ from her. I repeated with force voice and fast, “Do you think Madhu will forget you? How would he feel when his loved one was not there for him anymore? Imagine him weeping at the corner of the bedroom with the couple watch that he bought for you and himself. It is easy to forget isn’t it?”

      At the end of my speaking, she pushed me. She also tore the paper into pieces and threw it over me with great force. I was totally mad at her. Without any thoughts I just slapped her. She started to cry. The noisy class became silent and everyone was watching us.

      I felt bad myself as it was me who made her to do it and I was the one slapped her for the action too. I tried to go behind her and ask sorry but the tiny pieces she threw were flying over the floor in all directions.

      I dodged and started to pick every piece of the paper. I started to crawl all over the dusty floor. There were spill of lunch and waste all over the floor. Many paper piece filled the class room. I knew the hand writing and the content in the paper. I collected by checking it. I searched it under the legs of many classmates. Some look pity over me and they help me to search by searching under their bench.

      I need to search under my class girls benches too. I felt difficult to search, at that time, “Guy look someone gonna beg”, a voice came up and it was from Kathir. He also imitated in a rough voice, “Excuse me my girlfriend ditched me, Will you be my Girlfriend”. Followed by him other boys in his bench started to repeat the same dialogue.

      Some girls laughed, some spoke nothing. A girl stood and told me, “I will pick them for you”. She said with a smile. I smiled back. She asked her friends to search under their benches. She collected some pieces and gave them to me. I picked some pieces which ever has the writing of Jeni’s hand writing.

      I sat at my place and placed the torn pieces over the desk and it was like a jigsaw puzzle. I matched a little and found the last line was missing which was my favourite line. The only place I havent searched was Kathir’s bench. Sunil was standing next to me. He said, “It may be under Kathir’s bench. I will search for it”

      Sunil went to Kathir’s bench. Kathir shouted, “Every dog searches it’s own bone”. I understood what he meant. I went to his bench.

      “Someone going to come to fetch our piss”, a boy in that bench shouted. When I moved closer to the bench. Everyone at that bench should a vibrating gesture with a raising and lowering voice of shouting, “PIZZZZZ”.

      Sunil said, “Nithish there wont be any piece. Don’t worry come on”.

      I said, “There may be”.

      Sunil said, “You what was in it, just leave it”.

      I couldn’t take his words easily. I wanted that piece it was all my mind was thinking. Some boys yelled at Kathir to mind his language. Kathir laughed at them and said, “Well I won’t speak anything offensive Chill”.

      Other boy from his side gave him a piece of paper. Kathir took that piece and waved over his head such that I could see it. He dropped the paper from a height and that piece floated down gently under his leg.

      I dodged near his bench to take the piece. I extended my hand to take that piece. Kathir forced his shoe over my fingers. I took back my hand. He stamped over the piece of paper. I tried to lift his leg but he was strong. His thigh was dancing just to hit my face gently repeatedly. He made me to get angry but I controlled myself.

      I finally lifted his leg and took the paper. He twisted his leg and trapped my hand between his legs. Kathir started to laugh. I was silent at that time and I spoke nothing. He got bored on teasing me. He released his legs with a stamp over my elbow.

      I opened the paper to see if it is from the paper piece that Jeni gave. There was written, “FUCK YOU”. I lost that piece and I could not search further. I missed that piece at that time. I was almost fainted and I was not in consciousness.

      I walked to my desk and lied over it. I hated the myself at that moment. I couldn’t even keep a paper safely. I started to calm my weeping heart. I kept all the collected pieces in my pocket. I laid over the desk and was thinking about the last line, of the paper, ‘So, to make me smile never let your smile to go down.’

      Suddenly, there was a jerk from both the directions. I was being crushed from both the directions. I looked with a shock. It was Madhu and Susan who tried to crush me with their love. They took my hands on either side and streched them over their shoulders. They both kissed me at the same time followed by a hug.

      My tears of sadness suddenly changed into tears of happiness when I felt their friendship and care. Susan wiped my tears, Madhu stretched my lips and said, “Hold you smile”. We had a little chat about the exams.

      Susan put her hands into my pocket and took the pieces. She touched every piece and she started to weep. She hugged me from the side, “I am sorry”, she said with a shrunken face.

      I smiled back and told it was okay. She smiled back. I badly missed that last line. Everyone in the class know how much I loved Jeni. In her absence I was not myself.

      At the end of the day, I was about to leave at that time. Susan wore her bag over the shoulders while me pacjing the notebooks in my bag. Josphine approached me and said, “Can we have some words?”

      I nodded. Susan became curious when Josphine came by. Josphine had a look at Susan and smiled. Susan smiled back. Josphine was expecting Susan to move from that place. Josphine said, “I need to talk to him in private”.

      Susan removed her bag and sat over the desk with a pride and said, “Speak”. Josphine was about to say.

      Susan interrupted, “You love him right?”

      I was totally out of mind. “WHAT?” I yelled.

      “Josphine, listen to me. Nithu gonna never love you”, Susan said with a smile.

      “How do you mean?” Josphine turned to Susan.

      “Because I know him more than you do”, Susan said and took her bag. She took some steps and told me to come sooner.

      “What she was thinking on herself?” Josphine was staring at me. Susan turned back and said again, “Don’t waste your time Josh”.

      Josphine said, “Look Nithish, I know you were in the deepest moments at this time”, and she added, “I don’t know is it the right time”

      “Susan said was right. I was not the one to love you, but I like you”, she said with a wink and continued, “I said as I just liked”.

      She said and turned, “Is this a proposal?” I asked. “You should decide if it is”

      “It seems like a riddle to me”, I said.

      She laughed. I could not understand it, I haven’t spoken with her then how the hell she spoke like that to me? I walked slowly downstairs. I saw Madhu and Susan were waiting for me. I walked down stairs.

      Madhu said, “Where is Josphine?”

      Susan giggled. Madhu started to laugh oh hearing the giggling sound of Susan. I started to laugh too.

      “He laughed”, Madhu said with a great happiness. I later realized myself smiling. I just give a slap at Madhu with a teasing smile and less speed. Susan slapped me with the same teasing style and said, “Idiot inform me before you beat Madhu” and added,       “Slap now”. On her say, myself and Susan slapped Madhu.

      “What an idiotic troop I have!” he murmured to him and jumped by stretching both of his hands one to me and other to Susan. He grabbed us both and locked our neck within his arms.

      “Don’t and ever mess with me guys”, he said and released us. “Can we go for an outing now?” Susan asked. I had no idea of going that day, Madhu looked at me for the answer. Susan rushed with words, “Okay we are going”. She decided on herself.

      “Let’s go to out juice Shop”, Madhu said.

      Susan nodded.

      I said, “Why can’t we try other places, there were other shops too”. They understood what I really mean. Susan said, “Lets create new memories”, by patting my head.

      We were roaming on the streets, to search any new shop for our never resting tongue. No shops were at that extreme to match our expectation. We walked further and decided to go for a long route just to eat something special.

      The weekend came. I was going out make some new memories with my friends. I took some reasonable amount of money and took my cycle. Madhu joined me on the way and Susan joined us with her cycle too. Only at that time I came to know that Susan knows to ride. I asked her, “So you ride cycles?”

      “Not much funny”, she said and we started to make our way to a restaurant. On the way Madhu said, “Nithish at that restaurant, college students comes a lot like pairs”

      “So?” I asked.

      “I and Susan are going from schools!” Madhu said with an excitement. Susan gave shy look at Madhu. I laughed at them. If Jeni was there I would have had a romantic day. I was not sad that day. I felt myself as a new boy with blank mind.

      They both were talking in a husky voice while me looking over the roadside. The road had a little traffic so that we could have a smooth ride.

      On reaching the restaurant, we parked our cycles. I walked some steps and realized that I was walking alone. I found them doing something with the parked cycle. I walked near to see what they were doing.

      Madhu placed his cycle on the left side of Susan’s cycle and they are trying something. I asked, “What you guys are doing”

      “We are trying something that you never understand”, Madhu said and turning his front wheel and Susan too.

      Both their front wheel were touching each other cycle. By parking they threw hands across their shoulders and they bend their head. They stood exactly like the cycle they parked.

      Susan moved her eyes towards me and asked, “Can you get it now?” I nodded. I always amuse on seeing them, they will be doing something differently. Even the people who hates love may get into love on seeing this couple.

      I turned around and looked there were many bikes parked at the parking. At the entrance I could see most of the customers at the age group of 18 to 23 and half of them were pairs. We sat over a table, Susan and Madhu sat together. Susan took the Menu card and told it was her treat that day.

      She ordered her menu, “One chicken biriyani, one plate chicken lollipop and one plate egg fried rice”, by saying she handed over the menu card to me and continued, “It was for me and Madhu, say your order Nithish”

      I looked all over the menu, but my eyes fixed to the noodles. I choose Noodles and chicken nachos. The order was about to come, Madhu said, “Hey look at her”. I turned and saw a girl sitting idle just like me in front of a couple.

      “Why can’t you try her?” he raised a funny joke. Before my reply Susan said, “He already has Josphine for him”. “No No”, I tried to stop Susan but she completed the sentence and added, “Madhu Nithu like the girls with name starts as J, Jeni Joshi”. Both laughed.

      “Actually I loved Jeni and not anyone other than her”, I said.

      “What you liked in her?” Susan asked me.

      “She is something special, I know she cares for me a lot”, I added.

      “Really?” Madhu asked with a teasing tone.

      “She is”, I said.

      “She was”, Susan stressed her words.

      “Look Nithu, you need to forget Jeni”, Madhu said and added, “Try with Josphine”, with a wink.

      “Do you like her?” I asked to him. He nodded rapidly such that Susan could see his nod. “Oh, so you have such ideas uh?” Susan asked.

      He giggled and stretched his lips to his ears and said, “KINDA”.

      “You are not to that she will reject you”, Susan said with the same expression Madhu gave. I laughed on seeing their dialogue exchange.

      Suddenly a girl spotted in my eyes it was Jeni. I could not believe myself. She was in front of me. Is this a dream, I was astonished. I thought I had a dream and I was over imagining things. I stood frozen, Madhu and Susan noticed me and they looked towards the direction I was looking. They too got shocked on seeing her. She was with a boy who had a french beard with well combed hair and a tugged shiny shirt. He wore a Ray Ban glass. His skin tone is like the color of night and looked like a dark devil.

      Jeni looked pretty in her blue shining chudi with a white shawl covered around her neck, she was holding the Holy Bible with her two hands.

      Jeni spotted me then, her tiny eyes grew and she seemed like being afraid. She looked at me and turned around. Jeni repeated that action again and again for 3 times. The well dressed boy next to her, identified the direction she was looking and spoke some words with her. Jeni nodded with fear.

      They walked near us. The boy extended his hand for a shake and said, “Hey Nithish, I am Aldrin” and extended his name, “Aldrin Jonath Paul”.

      “Hi”, I said with a little fear as I don’t know who he was. “Can I join you?” Aldrin asked.

      Susan raised her voice, “Yes Mr. Jonathan”.

      “Hey see who is here”, Aldrin turned to Susan and added, “So you are here, but I saw your parents at Church hall this morning”.

      “Yeah, I was so sick to attend the church so I came to Restaurant”, Susan said in a blushing voice.

      “Love Sick?” Aldrin asked in a funny tone.

      “Kind of Love”, Susan blushed.

      “Want me to keep this words away from your parents?” Aldrin asked Susan in a tone that said he was expecting something in return from Susan for holding her outing away from Susan’s parents.

      Susan laughed and said, “Mr. Jonathan do you know a thing, my parents allowed me to come here”. Aldrin got disappointed and said, “I thought of making you to pay my bills”.

      “Don’t worry the bills are on me already”, Susan said with a thumps up.

      While they Susan and Aldrin were talking. My eyes fixed only with Jeni and I could see her eyes too fixed with me. Jeni’s smile still fixed inside me. I didn’t know if she is smiling or not all but I could see a smile at the edge of lips. She looked new to me. I could not keep my words controlled. I felt anger WHY YOU LIED ME OF GOING OUT SOMEWHERE ELSE?. But, the love I had made me to ask, “How are you Jeni?”

      She nodded. She haven’t spoken a word. Other three guys dropped their conversation and looked into me and Jeni. I made a strange look on them as they focused at me. “What?” I asked.

      “Nothing”, Madhu said.

      Aldrin said in a low voice, “Nithish, Look I am not against the thing between you and Jeni”

      I knew nothing but to nod for it. He smiled at me and asked in a normal voice, “Want to talk with her?” I shook my heads rapidly on the moment he asked me. Jeni looked hastened on hearing that. Madhu pat my back.

      “Take the table such that no others could see you. If anyone spotted you both then I will be at risk”, Aldrin said. He had a kind heart. He said to Jeni, “I will until you finish the conversation”.

      Jeni walked, I walked some steps suddenly Madhu pulled me and said in a low voice, “Need some with you”. I and Madhu walked some steps away from everyone such that no one could hear us.

      Madhu started, “Look Nithu it is the best chance you could get”, I listened sharply to his words. He continued, “Actually the days you guys separated were very less so she will be still thinking of you as you think of her. Just ask her to wait and remind her of the love you have on her”, he gave a pause and looked at me for an answer. I told yes. He added, “Don’t be a dumb as you are before be romantic”, he pointed a table on which Jeni sat with his eyes and said, “It was the most demanded table in this hotel but today it was available for you Don’t be a dumb. Don’t be a dumb”.

      I just said, “Don’t waste my time I am going” walked to the table where Jeni sat. I sat opposite to her. I used my hand as a head stand by helding my chin over my hands.

      The table looked dark and there was a little light to see her eyes glowing. Jeni was sitting quiet in front of me. I had never seen her sitting without speaking a word. She sat by keeping her hands over the table and the bible besides her. Her eyes were moving slowing by looking from left to right on the table. She still didn’t looked at me. I wished to sit next to her and not opposite to her.

      I bent a little to entertain her with a wink, but she bent much downer and started to look below the table. I tried to start a conversation, but I didn’t knew how? I asked, “How are you?”

      She laughed. On see her laugh I started to smile. She stopped her laugh on seeing my smile. “You already asked me”, she said. Then I realized, I was asking the repeating the question. Later she added, “You are a fool never know how to talk”.

      I giggled. “How are you?” she asked.

      I replied I was good and I also asked, “Why you lied to me?”

      “Lied of what?” she asked.

      “You told that you are going to other district to study”

      “Did I?” She made her words sharp.

      “Susan did”, I said.

      “Then ask her”

      I nodded. I said, “You look”, the next word I was about to say was beautiful. A waiter interrupted by asking the order. I asked the waiter to transfer the order that I ordered from the previous table I sat to the current table. While Jeni ordered paratha.

      The moment waiter moved from that place, Jeni asked, “You were saying something?”

      “Nothing, I just asked do you miss me Jeni?”

      Jeni folded her lips and she thought for a moment, “Nithish it would be better if we avoid this question”

      “Yeah yeah I can understand”, I was happy inside she refused to say that she was missing me. Then I said, “You look beautiful”.

      She smiled and said, “Nithish can you please stop saying like that”. I nodded.

      “Look Nithish, I know you badly miss me but all I need you is to start a normal life. Look Nithish I might have promised you a lot, but I need to do something other than that. I know you well so that I wrote a paper”, while she was saying I interrupted by showing the torn pieces from my pocket.

      “What are these?” she asked.

      “The paper you gave me”

      “Nithish are you a mad to carry it along with you all time?”

      “Just like to keep it” I said.

      “Please don’t do like this, it disturbs me a lot”, she said.

      At this point I remembered what Madhu said ‘Be romantic’. It was the time to prove that I was not a dumb anymore.

      I asked, “Disturbing your heart?”

      “What!” she exclaimed by seeing me in different way and added, “You are speaking like Madhu”. She said and started to laugh.

      I made my fingers to crawl nearer and grabbed her fingers. She stopped laughing. She became speechless, she looked into my eyes and made long gaps for blinks.

      I said, “I still love you”.

      She started to cry. I tried to pacify, “Look Jeni don’t”. She controlled herself with a smile along with the teary eyes.

      I changed my seat by sitting next to her. She saw I was extending my hands to wipe her tears so she wiped them before I could. She took her kerchief and wiped it completely.

      “Jeni there is nothing to cry here, I like you. I want the life back we had, It was just days but it was the most precious moments I had”, I said.

      “Nithu Look, I too like them but there is life waiting for you”

      “What if that life was with you”, I said and moved little closer to her. She turned to me and looked into my eyes.

      I held her hand over the lap and tried to calm her down. She tried to free herself, but I didn’t want to leave her hand. I said, “I promised you that I will hold you hand at any situation and I won’t even now”.

      She bent over and rested her forehead over the table and sobbed without sound, her tears spread all over my hand. I hugged her sideways and I almost forgot where I was. All I had in mind was me and her. At that moment I felt only myself and Jeni sitting somewhere where no one is around.

      I rubbed her tear-stained cheek with my cheek. I grabbed her face within my hand and kissed her cheek. She pushed me forcibly and I later realized I was in hotel. I could see a group of people opposite to out table was watching us.

      Jeni gave a slap and she rubbed her cheek rapidly and she gave an angry face to me. She stood up. I said, “Jeni sorry”. She seemed to be not listening to any of my words.

      I held her wrist and didn’t allowed to move. Jeni said in a low voice, “Nithish take off your hands”.

      “No I won’t”, I said in a very low voice.

      “I don’t want to listen to you”, she said but I didn’t listened. She shouted, “Can’t you understand what I was speaking”.

      On her shout Aldrin, Susan and Madhu came to our table. Aldrin said, “Calm down Jeni”.

      “How could I?” Jeni shouted and continued, “He is the one who makes me shameless every where”. Tears in my flowed over the edge of the eyes on hearing that from her.

      Susan came forward and said, “What do you think of him?”

      “Can you keep your voice down?” Jeni raised her voice. “Now you are raising your voice”, Susan shouted back. I could see Madhu licking his fingers while all these happened.

      “Girls please slow down you voice”, Aldrin begged.

      “Aldrin come lets go”, Jeni urged.

      “So?” I raised my voice.

      “What?” Jeni raised her voice in an anger tone. I tried to say something even I knew what to speak. Jeni added continuously, “First of all you titled me as a BITCH in our school”.

      “It wasn’t me”, I yelled.

      “Do you think that Nithish would do that?” Susan came in middle and questioned Jeni. Jeni pointed her fore finger towards me and said, “He didn’t did it but they did because of him”.

      “Are you a mad?” Susan shouted at Jeni.

      “I am not, Do you know what he did now?”, Jeni yelled back. Susan looked at me curiously. Jeni said in a low crying voice, “He hugged and kissed me in front of everyone”.

      Aldrin pulled me and punched me. I pushed Aldrin and didn’t responded for his punch. Jeni didn’t stopped Aldrin from punching me. She made a look like having a satisfactory look on getting a punch.

      Susan stopped him and said, “Aldrin just take her out of our sight please”

      Aldrin shouted, “Susan stay out of this”.

      “Why do you act weird?” Susan asked.

      “Susan he is behaving awkward”, Aldrin said.

      “Did he?” Susan asked again and continued, “Before he kissed don’t you know he was trying to kiss you. You allowed him as you wanted to. Now you are real bitch” she yelled at Jeni.

      I shouted at Susan, “Stop”.

      “Don’t act like caring me, your actions are so rude than you are. Somebody wrote on the wall as you mess with Kathir and the whole school was calling me”, Jeni sobbed by saying. I felt guilty at that time, I never thought at that point. At that time a question arose in me ‘Would Jeni be with me if haven’t mess with Kathir?’

      Then Jeni pointed to a boy on the next table and said, “Now that boy is seeing me in a weird look after you kissed me in front of everyone”

      Susan said, “Jeni you are out of mind completely”.

      “Jeni and Susan please wait”, Madhu said and turned to the boy Jeni pointed and asked “Did you noticed them?”

      That boy said, “No I don’t know, I was eating my lunch”.

      “Look he haven’t noticed, so problem solved”, Madhu said with a smiling face. Susan stamped Madhu’s feet and made him to shut his mouth.

      “Look Jeni what are you expecting me to say?” I asked to her directly. She said, “Look Nithish I hate the moments of being in the relationship with you. You know one thing the minutes I cried was more because of you than the moments I smiled with you”.

      “Jeni I never want you to see in my life”, I yelled at her.

      “Thanks a lot”, Jeni shouted back at me.

      “Please don’t quarrel”, Susan begged me and Jeni. “Susan let her go on her way”, I said.

      “Aldrin come lets go”, Jeni said and walked on her way. Aldrin walked furiously behind her and he came back to me, “If you spoke anything about or to Jeni. No one can stop you from breaking your nose”.

      Still that day I thought she was waiting for me somewhere, but that day I understood I was the one waiting while she was on her own way. It was bitter and I left the place without speaking any words with Susan and Madhu.

      Did I lost my heart? Did I ashamed her? Who was guilty here was that me or her? For all these questions I never had a single answer. I was searching it.